— me. uncensored

not to worry, pretty darling. i’ll come for you the second you wake up. this darkness is not to be anxious of. rest your head upon your pillow and dream of me. dream of us, together in the darkness. i feel tired, so tired. everyday i wake up without knowing what the day holds. you have your routines and your actions will mostly consist of the same as the day before, just as the day before that. this bores me. i fight the routines, the everyday life, the safety of knowing what’s just around the next corner. all the while, i am chasing it, i am struggeling to fit into the little boxes made by all those before me. i wish for a life of adventures and beauty and happiness. will you be there by my side? i might stumble. i might fall. i need you by my side. you terrify me. never finding your way is agonizing, petrifying, inspiring. work harder, look deeper, scream louder. you will find it. will i find it? i am holding myself back from the happiness in front on me, but the ropes are to thick to cut. the stories in my horizon are waiting, but one day one day one day. i won’t look back. i will be happy happy happy for everything, because each step, each mistake, each thought will have brought me to that specific place, that specific time where i will consider myself happy. my road is splitting up in the distance, but i’m not yet ready to decide. i have the power to drastically change my life, my future, my history. what to i want? i want i want i want to follow my gut. yet i want the safety, the everyday life of an ordinary woman inside the little box. it is all there, but the roads are different, oh so different. i need to make a choice, but not yet. i’m not strong enough, i can’t take the pain that goes with it. i will always regret. never regret never regret never regret! promise me this, never regret your choices. there’s enough regret in me for the both of us. i’m tired. i want to feel fulfilled when dusk goes into eternal darkness and i know my time is up. will i feel lonely? will i feel scared? will i feel loved? please love me please forgive me please save me

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i’m scared. i feel like i’ve lost a part of me. a part of me which i’ve been fighting for as long as i can remember, but all the while it’s been safe – it’s what i know. i never knew how to handle it and i’ve never met anyone who’s ever understood it. they all nod, they all smile, they all tell me it’ll go away. they tell me everyone’s got feelings like that sometimes and that they always forget about them eventually. be patient. be patient. be patient. one of them told me he could never understand and at that moment he suddently became the closest one to it. i’ve had this feeling for as long as i can remember and now that it’s gone, i’m not sure how to feel relieved. i am scared i am scared i am scared. i am terrified. i’ve been waiting for something and now that i’ve found it i’m terrified of losing it. my tears are warm and salty. they feel the same as they always have whilst running down my face. they taste the same. i hate to cry. i love him

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it’s still there, eating at me from the inside. i made it go away for a while, i did good, i did everything right. i had good days, but suddenly, then gradually, you took it away. i’m fragile, that’s on me – you’re selfish, that’s on you. i want you in my life and i’ve tried, but as in every other aspect of my life, i keep failing, keep falling, keep stumbling upon all the wrong feelings and emotions and it’s all a waste.

i wish you would at least tell me why. if not by respect, then as a good deed of the memories we once shared. you’re hurting me.

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make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop make it stop MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!

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please do not change the truth for my sake. do not tell me what you know that i so dearly wish to hear, tell me the real story. what is there, underneath the shadowy sheets of your filthy fixation of life as you wished it would be? 

i need to move on from the dark thoughts that has been consuming my identity and my everyday life, so please my love. spare me the honors, the good deeds, the shallow lies of the world as you know it. i cannot bare it any longer, one day they will not only have consumed me, but the truthful life itself. is that not a too beautiful risk to take, my love? i cannot eat, i cannot sleep. i wish to be near you, only you, to hear your soft whisper in my ear at night and the smell or your perfume.

my darling, my love, i need you too much. my darling my love, still, i cannot be consumed. it will destroy me.

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you’re by yourself in an endless tunnel of disappointment. the light in the end is unreachable and for every step you take, you find yourself even further away from the brightness. you need to scream, let it all out, let them know how much it hurts! still.. you cannot seem to make a sound. the world is watching, waiting, wanting. why are you so sad? you’ve got a world of oppertunities in front of you. a world of disappointment and fear, it’s all there to haunt you and suffocate you whilst you are waiting for the birds to sing out your name in the sunshine. it will never be, let it go. be bold, do the dance of excitement and let it go! be yourself, be true and create, we need you. the world needs you! 

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those moments of comfortable silence whilst waiting for someone to say something, but yet you’d prefer the silence to last forever. that moment when you realize that there’s someone else out there that actually knows you better than you think, that one person that you ever truly let in. the one person that can tell you that you’re making a mistake by not following your gut and you finally start thinking they might be right. you feel naked, vulnerable, scared.

but still, there’s that feeling of something good starting to happen. 

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there is something magical about the sun, it being able to make me smile no matter what kind of day i’ve been having. i’m more often down than not, so the sunny days can never happen often enough, in my case. if i’m in the sun, wearing a cute summer dress, eating ice cream and surrounded by all these bright colors…. then it’s my kinda day. if only we had twice as many days like that where i live!

although. who’s to say i can’t live anywhere else? i’ve always been envious of the birds being able to fly off to wherever they want, whenever they want. they never have to stick around in one place for too long.. i shouldn’t be envious, i should admire them. follow them! i’ve got one hell of a bucket list and it will aquire quite the amount of traveling for me to finish until my time is up, so i guess i should stop feeling sorry for myself, stop being sad and inadequate and do something about it. i need to see the world, i need new colors in my eyesight. would you like to join me?

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 i’m struggeling. it’s scaring me

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i’m getting painfully aware of the pain i am causing them by my absence. not the psychical, but the psychological absence caused by my insecurities and fears, which are all notably irrational, but very much present, nonetheless. some days are better than others, however. during a good day, only the people close to me would be able to tell that not everything is quite as it might seem and there’s not even a handful of people that really know me, due to;

a) my ridiculous lack of trust and
b) the insane stupidity dominating the minds of others

there’s two people i’ve let in. maybe three. actually, it’s more like two and a half. there would be more, had i not realized how many fucking idiots i’ve let into my life over the years. most people are ignorant and bullshit talking idiots and i don’t like them all that much, to be disturbingly honest.

if i could, i would choose to be one of these ignorant and bullshit talking idiots myself. that way, i would never disapprove of my own actions and i would never second guess myself enough to grow into the sad and insecure human being i find myself having turned into as we speak. i am scared of not living and whilst being scared, i am not living. vicious circle, you say? not really, i could always get off of my ass and do something about it, like most normal people would. although, i’m not all that normal, obviously – instead, i sit at home, crying my eyes out over what used to be, what should have been and what will never be. this is me. i am miserable in the life that i’m living and i’m not really sure why, but i’m certainly not successful in changing the course of it.

to let you in on a secret.. i’m waiting for something. don’t ask me what, ‘cause i don’t really know myself yet. all i know, is that there is some kind of a feeling aching in my entire body and soul, letting me know that whatever it is that i’m waiting for, it’s goddamn good. it must definitely be worth the wait and i’ve had this feeling for as long as i can remember, i think. it might be something really awesome, but it might as well be nothing. what if i’m misinterpreting my own emotions? if that’s even possible, being my own emotions and all.. if anyone is to know what they are, i guess i’m the one. this feeling is both the best thing i’ve ever felt as well as the most agonizing. it is driving me into a downward spiral, i’m not able to be a happy camper whilst waiting for this “something” to hit me, although i very well know i should be.

i am so tired of feeling sufficated by my own thoughts and sorrow and i am tired of feeling bad about everything i’m not able to do and the things i simply can’t make work. nothing is good enough to bring the smile out and every other day, i’m planning out a new escape route.

today, i’ve got a great plan.

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it hurts to be with you. it hurts to be without you.

i am sorry.

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i am slowly returning back into my old shell and i’m not liking it. this isn’t how my life is supposed to be, i am supposed to be happy. i want to be happy, but i can’t seem to get it right. how do they do it? i was almost there, i think, i felt happy more days than not and it didn’t bother me that i wasn’t out in the world where no one knew me, but instead i was in my old town, where everyone knows everything. i was fine, maybe not happy, but almost. almost happy.

somehow, i went from feeling lost and insecure to suddenly realizing that i knew all along. there was never any doubt, but i was too scared to admit it. with one simple question, he made me realize and i’ll never forget how my eyes started watering the very instant i read the words and i knew he was right. no one else saw it, but he knew. all of a sudden, everything was alright. i would be alright and i could make it work and i hate myself for all the thoughts and scenarios i built up in my head, it was all for nothing. and now i’m alone wherever i go. in a room filled with people, i still feel more lost than ever.

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she is scared to fall asleep, but yet too lonely to stay awake. it’s hurting, it’s getting worse, she’s trying to get away, but it won’t let her. there is something inside of her, aching and torturing, not doing any good, but still not ready to let go. she’s not strong enough to fight it, but to scared to open up. she’s vulnerable, fragile even. it’s quiet before the storm, this isn’t it, there’s too much that still hasn’t seen the day of light and she knows she’s the only one to figure out how to get through, but whilst in the middle of the hurricane, there seems to be no exit, no way back, no way to stop it from happening. her eyes are raining from distress and pain, she is lonely, but too scared to open up. to open up means admitting. she’s tired running, but she’s tired of wiping the salty tears of her face too – she’s exhausted, when will she be done? she puts her mask on along with the confident laughter and everything is alright. until she’s alone again. they’re not talking to a person, they’re talking to a play, an autopilot with every reaction in it’s hand. it’s tiring, it’s lonely and it’s making it worse and she knows she needs to deal with it soon, very soon. it happened, it’s over, it’s a thing from the past. except for the thoughts. the thoughts are as present as you and me, they are aware of their abrupt influence on her fragile state, but they will see no rest. they keep going. she needs to fight, but all she wants to do is fall asleep.

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be free, spread your wings, fly away. you’re no more bound to anyone or anything than what the bird is to it’s nest. you need to let go, greet the past with a smile and say hello to the future, your life is what you make it. it hurts to leave the safety of your own story, but there will be new chapters in the horizon for you to write. take care of your present, no matter how hard it is to say goodbye to everything, you have to leave it behind to be able to go forward.

even though you are leaving, it doesn’t mean that the goodbye is forever. not unless you want it to be. 

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when the feeling of frustration and aggravation gets a hold of you, it’s as if nothing else matters. it consumes your every thought, your every breath. it will hold you down and each second it gets harder to make it to the surface, the light disappears and will soon be nothing but an old memory of what used to be. 

swim harder, don’t give up.

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