i’m getting painfully aware of the pain i am causing them by my absence. not the psychical, but the psychological absence caused by my insecurities and fears, which are all notably irrational, but very much present, nonetheless. some days are better than others, however. during a good day, only the people close to me would be able to tell that not everything is quite as it might seem and there’s not even a handful of people that really know me, due to;
a) my ridiculous lack of trust and
b) the insane stupidity dominating the minds of others
there’s two people i’ve let in. maybe three. actually, it’s more like two and a half. there would be more, had i not realized how many fucking idiots i’ve let into my life over the years. most people are ignorant and bullshit talking idiots and i don’t like them all that much, to be disturbingly honest.
if i could, i would choose to be one of these ignorant and bullshit talking idiots myself. that way, i would never disapprove of my own actions and i would never second guess myself enough to grow into the sad and insecure human being i find myself having turned into as we speak. i am scared of not living and whilst being scared, i am not living. vicious circle, you say? not really, i could always get off of my ass and do something about it, like most normal people would. although, i’m not all that normal, obviously – instead, i sit at home, crying my eyes out over what used to be, what should have been and what will never be. this is me. i am miserable in the life that i’m living and i’m not really sure why, but i’m certainly not successful in changing the course of it.
to let you in on a secret.. i’m waiting for something. don’t ask me what, ‘cause i don’t really know myself yet. all i know, is that there is some kind of a feeling aching in my entire body and soul, letting me know that whatever it is that i’m waiting for, it’s goddamn good. it must definitely be worth the wait and i’ve had this feeling for as long as i can remember, i think. it might be something really awesome, but it might as well be nothing. what if i’m misinterpreting my own emotions? if that’s even possible, being my own emotions and all.. if anyone is to know what they are, i guess i’m the one. this feeling is both the best thing i’ve ever felt as well as the most agonizing. it is driving me into a downward spiral, i’m not able to be a happy camper whilst waiting for this “something” to hit me, although i very well know i should be.
i am so tired of feeling sufficated by my own thoughts and sorrow and i am tired of feeling bad about everything i’m not able to do and the things i simply can’t make work. nothing is good enough to bring the smile out and every other day, i’m planning out a new escape route.
today, i’ve got a great plan.